Wednesday, August 11, 2010

As Advertised (three word Wednesday - joke, leverage, remedy; and flash Friday)

“Can you get the door, honey?” Shelley shouted from the kitchen.

Shawn placed the newspaper down on an end table and moved briskly to the front door. Who could be ringing the doorbell during the dinner hour? He gazed through the peephole. A distorted image of a bulky delivery man awaited his response. Shawn swung the door open.


“Mr. Gelinas? I have a package you’ll need to sign for,” he extended a clipboard with a delivery form and a pen clamped under the hinge. Everything appeared legitimate enough. The large brown van parked on the street matched the color of his uniform. Shawn passed the form back, looking around for an absent package.

“Thank you sir, you’re all set!” The large man tucked the clipboard under his arm and left the front steps. In his place, a young woman stepped forward. Bright green eyes gazed playfully under dark, long eyelashes. Her lips were full and glossed, catching the light as if they were wet. Straight blonde hair draped aside her defined high cheekbones and rested on smooth shoulders. Her curves at the bust, the waist and the hips were nothing short of majestic. She wore nothing more than a leopard print bra and briefs. Shawn’s jaw conceded to gravity. A blonde strip of well-groomed eyebrow raised and her welcoming lips formed cute cheek dimples as she smiled. “Hello, Mizzer Gelneez, I am Katya,” her soft voice hinted at a strong Russian accent.

“Uh… hi Katya,” Shawn blinked intentionally to cease ogling. My God, there was a half naked Russian model on his front steps! There are families in his neighborhood with small children! He glanced down the street; a basketball game between the neighborhood boys had come to a grinding halt. “Please please come inside,” Shawn stepped aside, holding the door open. He escorted her into the living room, “Katya, might I ask what you’re doing coming to my house in lingerie?”

“You order zis, no?” She rolled her arm as if presenting herself.

“I ordered… what are you saying?”

“Online order. Lingerie site from Belarus. Remember? You order zis online.”

Shawn jogged his memory. He did place an order a few weeks back for some lingerie for Shelley’s birthday. Of course he opted for an online purchase, buying lingerie in person was one of the most uncomfortable things a man could do. He looked Katya up and down. She was wearing the exact lingerie he had ordered! He recalled the blond in the photo, wearing the lingerie with such a sultry pose. He remembered thinking the message in the margin, ‘As advertised’ was somewhat out of place.

“You like Katya picture online. Your order here now Shawn Gelneez.” Katya winked and sat herself on the couch.

“Katya I ordered the lingerie only, not the model too! You can’t stay!”

“But Katya come from Belarus for you.”

Shelley appeared in the doorway. “Shawn, why do we have a mail order bride in on our couch?” She spoke through gritted teeth and flaring nostrils.

“I, well, uhh… you see, I ordered you some lingerie dear…” Shawn shrugged hopelessly.

“Shawn order from lingerie model site. I am Katya,” she waved innocently at Shawn’s wife.

“Shawn there had better be a good…”

“I told you I only ordered lingerie,” he scurried for some leverage in the argument, but understood how bad this looked to her.

“No need for mad Misses Shawn Gelneez. Shawn got good deal. Pay low moneys. Katya, uh, how you say, on sale.”

Blood rushed to Shelley’s head, “…and how much exactly did you pay for Katya?”

“Well it was in foreign currency but it didn’t look too expensive.”

“Twelve thousand,” Katya again displayed her wonderful dimples.

Shelley roared, “US DOLLARS??”

Katya nodded affirmative.

“Shawn you did not bother to figure out the exchange rate to US dollars?!?!?”

Shawn slouched. He knew he had forgotten to do something. He recalled concluding the order quickly when a call came in over Skype. He could not believe what was happening. He stood there speechless, glancing between Katya and Shelley, searching for something he could say to remedy the situation.

The doorbell rang. “I’ll get that,” Shawn approached the door wanting to crawl under a rock. Whatever news awaited him on his front steps had to be better than his current conundrum. The delivery man stood there once again. “Mr. Gelinas?”

“You didn’t tell me you had a model with you…” Shawn pointed accusingly.

“I have another package for you.”

“Oh no, don’t even go there…”

The delivery man stepped aside, revealing TV personality Ashton Kutcher. “Shawn Gelinas,” Ashton extended his hand. ”You’ve been Punk’d!”

Katya and Shelley laughed and clapped behind him. Ashton pointed out hidden cameras. Shawn reddened in embarrassment. His wife orchestrated the best practical joke he’d ever witnessed. And worse, televised it.


  1. While I liked the ending, I really with this would have continued in another direction. Like, what to do when a Russian bride comes a knocking. Fun stuff.

  2. That was funny twist ending. Never saw it coming. Yes, you do comedy very well.


  3. Bwahahahahahaha! Oh man... this cracked me up, Jay. A wonderful tale with a delightful twist.

  4. Funny stuff. I had a friend make an exchange-rate error to the tune of a few thousand once. She didn't get a model, though, just hand-stitched lingerie. For real.

  5. Jay, this was fun, irreverant and totally awesome! If only I could pull off something like this, but I'd crack as smile before the payoff.

    And you wrote it well too.

  6. LOL and ROFL too :D beautiful narration..

    you did write it well.. thanks.. u just brightened my day a bit..! :D

  7. Awesomely funny. could not see where this was headed but a fitting end, just when I was about to go surfing for lingerie...

  8. not a fun joke, I wouldn't appreciate it if it was for me

    thanks for your visit

  9. Loved it. Did not see the end coming. Just kept thinking, "Man, this poor guy is sooo screwed!" Hilarious! Great job, Jay!

  10. LOL. I was waiting for it to be a dream. (a living dream, maybe?)

    Well done!

    My 3WW offering.

  11. Oh, that was a hoot. A couple of lines really grabbed me:
    Shawn’s jaw conceded to gravity.
    Well said.

    He knew he had forgotten to do something.
    Great understatement.

    I thoroughly enjoyed this.